Your Relationship With Stress: Why It’s Not Stress That’s the Problem

Most people think stress comes from external pressures—work deadlines, responsibilities, expectations, and constant demands.

But what if stress isn’t the real problem?

What if your relationship with stress is what’s actually exhausting your mind and body?

For years, I believed stress was something that happened to me. But looking back, I realised something deeper: stress wasn’t just about what was happening in my life—it was about how my nervous system interpreted it.

In my 20s, I started yoga to cope with work stress. Around that time, I noticed a pattern. Whenever something stressful happened, I’d get sick shortly after. My body was constantly in reaction mode, as if every challenge were a threat.

Now, at 40, I look back and ask myself: what was really so stressful back then?

I didn’t carry the responsibilities I do today. Yet my body felt under siege.

What changed wasn’t my life. It was my relationship with stress.

Stress Is Not Just Situational—It’s How Your Nervous System Responds

We often describe stress as something external:

• “Life is busy.”

• “Work is demanding.”

• “There’s too much to handle.”

But two people can experience the same situation and have completely different stress responses.

That’s because stress is not just about events—it’s about perception.

When the brain interprets a situation as a threat, the nervous system shifts into fight-or-flight mode. Cortisol levels rise, muscles tense, breathing becomes shallow, and the body prepares for danger—even when the “danger” is a meeting, an email, or a deadline.

Over time, chronic stress becomes the body’s default state.

And that’s when burnout, anxiety, and fatigue begin to feel normal.

Why Your Stress Response Matters More Than Your Circumstances

Resilience is often misunderstood as pushing harder or doing more.

But real resilience is about responding differently.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve noticed two major shifts:

• My life hasn’t necessarily become easier.

• But my capacity to handle stress has expanded.

I notice stress earlier.

I regulate my nervous system instead of reacting automatically.I create space between stimulus and response.

Resilience isn’t about eliminating stress. It’s about changing your relationship with it.

Mindset and Stress Regulation

Mindset isn’t just psychological—it’s physiological.

When you interpret challenges as threats, your body reacts with tension and survival responses. But when you reframe challenges as opportunities for growth or learning, your nervous system becomes more flexible and adaptive.

This is why mindset work is not “woo-woo.” It’s nervous system intelligence.

As Wayne Dyer said: “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Self-Compassion, Perspective, and Gratitude: Powerful Tools to Reduce Stress

One of the most effective ways to regulate stress is self-compassion.

When you replace self-criticism with thoughts like:

• “It’s okay to feel this.”

• “I’m doing the best I can.”

…your nervous system receives a signal of safety.

Perspective also plays a powerful role. Asking, “Will this matter in a year?” creates emotional distance from stress.

Practising gratitude—even for small moments—signals to your brain that life is not only danger and pressure, but also support and stability.

Together, these practices transform stress from something that controls you into something you can work with.

Perfectionism: The Hidden Cause of Chronic Stress

One of the most underestimated drivers of stress is perfectionism.

The need to get everything right. The fear of failure. The belief that mistakes are unacceptable.

But failure is not the opposite of growth—it’s part of it.

When you loosen your grip on perfection, you don’t become careless. You become resilient.

And resilience is one of the most powerful antidotes to chronic stress.

A Better Question to Ask About Stress

Instead of asking:

“How do I eliminate stress from my life?”

Try asking:

“How is my relationship with stress shaping my health, mindset, and daily life?”

Because sometimes, the most powerful transformation isn’t changing your circumstances.

It’s changing how your nervous system meets them.